I was being carried out of the bar, but then my friend saw Pat who just got kicked out scaling the wall to sneak back in, so he carried me back in, sat me on the bar stool, and the bartender just let us all keep drinking.
Being persistent has its perks my friend.
I would dunk an oreo in her breast milk
Note to self: never go down on a girl first thing in the morning…its like opening a grilled cheese sandwich
He chugged from a bottle of wine and then we had pretend sex
How do you have pretend sex?
It was bad...so it was pretend
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The hardest part of getting a new computer is deliberating whether to start the cycle of porn and viruses all over again.
I have some memory of taking a dump in a guitar case.
im taking a nap outside. wake me up in an hour.
way to go to work and not wake me up. when you get home youre rubbing me with aloe and giving me a blowjob. no excuses
And all I wanted you to do is stand there and sing who let the dogs out.
Just used my boobs as a ramp to guide ramen into my mouth.
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just found out I caught the bouquet at the wedding. I win for being the drunkest yet most functional bridesmaid.
He ate me out while I was wearing a tiara.... I think I could get used to this
Well just watched a guy puke in a trash can then proceed to pick pizza outta said trash can and eat it
Damn it. If you ever throw me again, take video.
Sooooooo, can scratch getting a pelvic exam by a man dressed as Woody from Toy Story off my list.
You need to write an essay about this experience.
He was even wearing the hat.
Do you wanna fuck while my apple pie is in the oven?
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