i told her that i loved her pillow breasts and then she asked me if i wanted to motor boat them. so yea, i do need the room tonite.
What? Cold floors are soothing when you have a hangover. How am I supposed to pass that up. Even if I'm at my parents house
She makes me want to have breakfast margaritas every day
I just found 17 dollars of saltine crackers in my room. confused incredibly. suprised not at all.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I'm babysitting my fucking roommate he took out the screen and is trying to throw dishware in our fucking pool after he repelled off our balcony
Nm. Exausted and my teeth just fell out again
I think i'm going to homewreck at this Disney on Ice show.
DON'T YOU TELL ME I HAVE HERPES ON MY BIRTHDAY. THAT IS MOST DEFINITELY NOT A HAPPY BIRTHDAY.
I just bottomed with the last unicorn playing in the background. I've hit a new level of gay.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Have you ever been up at one in the morning and thought to yourself, "I do not know nearly enough about penguin reproduction"?
Wait, cocaine is okay but tanning isn't?
Man, coughing on your period is like the biggest gamble a girl can make.
DICK-CITY HERE WE COME
There is eyeliner on my toilet. Vodka and I have a love hate relationship.
If he’s halfway attractive, employed and cool with me having boytoys, I’ll marry him
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