Thank God they found balloon boy, I was afraid that Michael Jackson was ordering take out from heaven.
I woke up at 6 on his trampoline wearing only a parka.
Thought I woke up to a girl giving me a handy. It was a male nurse inserting a catheter.
Judging that there's a photo of me getting head while sitting on a graveyard tombstone.....not good.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
now you know why we've never bought a 12 pack of king cobras before.
I have never heard someone not give a fuck so poetically in my life. I feel like you should be leading men into battle with a speech like that
They reenacted the scene from the lion king where mufasa talked to simba from the clouds. As high as they were they got it word for word. There has to be an award for that.
Technically he's married but he says it's "not like that" even tho his wife lives with him. Not sure if I believe him but I'm sleeping with him anyway.
She just came home holding a fire hydrant. Yes a fire hydrant.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I wish i could just live off of margaritas and good sex.
I have to take tonight off from shenanigans. My liver is planning a coup
I'm very aware of my heart moving the blood in my body.
Not a problem, sailor. I speak both autocorrect and typo.
FYI bail money is still in my drawer. I know you have no car but you need to know this for tomorrow.
I don't wanna be 33 that's when Jesus died
Randomize