My dad just told me he used to masturbate to cat woman...he then proceeded to beat my brother in beer pong and wont let me play...
I'm destined to be knocked up by a sailor
A guy at the bar bought me a jag bomb because I'm the chick that frosts his donuts at KT. Never have I been more proud of being a failure at life.
He puked in the funnel and continued to chug it. Who is this dude?
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Also, ran into my neighbor across the street. He told me about scheduling his vasectomy. We are officially way beyond the acceptable point for asking his name again.
Okay do all 29 year olds have erectile dysfunction or just the two I've slept with?
i'm exhausted. do you know how hard it is to put together an outfit that is professional enough to secure a babysitting job yet slutty enough to let him know i'm down for sex during naptime?
I'm sorry for the texts and anything that I said that may have caused confusion, pain or irritation. I shall not be drinking again. Furthermore I will not be keeping a phone on me should I fail to adhere to the prior statement.
I don't even know man. I was to busy having beer showered on me and grabbing some balls
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By early evening I was shouting at the deeply Christian girl to suck my dick inbetween snorting lines of gatorade powder.
I just found glitter from our Father's Day party on my balls this morning.
DAD WTF
Ask him to BK for an ice cream cone and do him in the car. That counts as a date
I'm over here willing to be the Yoda of fucking but I guess he just doesn't want to be a Jedi.
I came home and my mom goes "why are you barefoot and where the hell are your shoes?" and I replied "I have French fries"
I'm hungover and in a fort. And I hate you.
So many questions
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