JOSHUA! WE ARE SO BREAKING UP!
what?
YOU'RE DRUNK AGAIN, ARENT YOU?!
my debutante medallion kept hitting his balls when i went down on him
We're exchanging pot brownie recipes in my substance abuse class. This is going to be an awesome 7 weeks.
Is it awkward to ask someone I've slept with to officiate my wedding?
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Nothing says Welcome to America than having the international house watch a sorority girl puke over the edge of the porch at 8am.
I FOUND THE NORMAL CONDOMS. THIS IS GOD TELLING ME TO CHASE AFTER MY DREAM.
May or may not have just lost a contact hanging out Anthony's sunroof. Drunk. Hint: I can only see out of one eye right now.
Just made out with a girl I dated in high school, and she told me her girlfriend likes me. I like where this is going.
I tried to roll down the stairs in a ball. I have bruises, the pain is too much.
What the fuck, why would you ever do that?
Haven't you ever just wanted to be a ball?
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I'm so happy I'm only on my second drink. That would have been the best idea ever if I was on my fifth.
not even kidding I just received the single most greatest head I have ever had.. It was unreal. It was like stick my dick into a silk bag of puppy ears.
The friend zone. He put me in the friend zone. But said he still wants me to suck his dick. I'm in the dick sucking friend zone and I want to die.
Oh, that was the alley that I ate a pine cone in.
Anytime you wish.we are doing double shots in the kitchen,and I drank a beer in the shower,so...the sooner you get here,the sooner you can get on our level.
Oh the sweet dreamless sleep of drugs
You? On what? Why?
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