When she said "surprise me" I'm positive she didn't mean "bang my roommate"
Prob not but she was surprised
Please dont use Danity Kane lyrics to describe your emotions.
You can't hide fat with big sunglasses.
Nyc is like a mosaic of my failed dates.
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besides im still about 80% sure that im eskimo brothers with jerry springer
i just woke up to a text from him apologizing for making me eat a full lemon
Tonight will bring shame to my future grandchildren.
Why were you staring at her like that over breakfast?
Because I was eating with a spoon to remind her that she threw up on my hand while she was MAKING me spoon with her after our drunk sex. She got it. Don't worry.
They have 12 kegs and 40 bottles of liquor and a pool with a diving board. And hardly anyone at this wedding knows me. Should be a great night
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I have mastered the 3 minute room cleaning drill in preparation for the nights possible slam-piece
i took four shots of tequila, threw my fist up in the air, then went around the party showing everyone how to do the ninja turtle handshake. that's the last thing I remember
I feel like Captain Morgan shit all over my hopes and dreams last night...
Taco Bell is giving high school kids free tacos STEAL YOUR BROTHER'S WALLET I'LL BRING THE WEED.
there is a smiley face on my leg painted in blood
I'm pretty sure that's yours.
For someone who wanted a break I'm getting way to much dick
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