No, seriously, 1.5 gallons of sangria plus two days of untapped cock. Waiting here. For you.
She's a virgin AND a minister's daughter. We're one schoolgirl outfit from the dear penthouse trifecta
No more scars from drunken holidays, people are starting to notice.
You were pretty dunk by the time you introduced the vase as your best friend.
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frozen drink friday is suspended until further notice
Like some sort of pot growing robin hood.
Don't worry. I told him just because you've gargled some balls in the past doesn't mean you'll be handling his.
I really wanted that to be shared. Thank you.
We met a guy named Raymond. You called him ramen all might and told him you would eat him up, "like sex, on a budget."
I'd like to be surprised that there's a picture of someone pouring champagne in my boobs on Instagram, but I can't.
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A homeless guy wouldnt accept my granola bar because he didnt have any teeth. I think i win the prize for the ultimate rejection
Please put me on a plane and hypontize me into forgetting the little bit of last night that I do remember.
A prostitute stole us beer at 3 am
They started shooting fireworks out of a dryer. It was my cue to leave.
the worst part about living alone is not having other peoples snacks to mooch off of when you havent gone grocery shopping in three weeks. i'm so pms-y i'm about to eat a soy sauce packet
Still drunk. lying on the floor just rubbing my cats nipples
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