It was like doing yoga with his dick in me
Sorry I couldn't get my dick out
last thing I heard her say before I passed out was 'this is great. I never get to be the big spoon.'
i need to find a birthday card for her that tells her how happy i am that i can now legally bang her
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Its going to be drunk as shit/pirate themed. Im dressing as the former.
Blacked out last night, but left myself a note that said "oops on oops on oops" that can never be a positive
We watched Jurassic Park and they made me drink every time they saw or named a dinosaur. Do you know how many dinosaurs live in Jurassic Park? Lots.
They didn't have a "sorry I was late for your birthday party because I was getting arrested" card.
I just got attacked by a swarm of butterflies. Nothing is okay anymore.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Hi I am too sober and out of rum. Translation: I owe you some beer. Also, get better taste in beer.
New rule: if you don't think racism exists, you don't get to put your penis inside me.
That's too much drama for once a month dick... that's in-house dick drama only
I honestly don't understand how your night went from singing a touching rendition of Africa to an angry political rant to low key trying to find a frat boy to bang to doing dishes to yoga
Sorry for trying to wake you up by slapping your ass with a fruit 2 go.
..needless to say, i got fired. But I'm in the parking lot tanning on top of your car... so its not all bad.
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