I thought the fact that I took home a 42 year old with 3 kids would excuse my tardiness this morning because my boss is also 42 and has 3 kids. Boy was I wrong.
what's for breakfast?
Advil and throwup
Just witnessed my roommate pick her nose and eat it in her sleep. Remember, you made out with that.
Bonus points if the penis has a little hat too
I've got my wine, though it wasnt very good so I threw a sour patch kid in it
WHY did you say no to the sex seance?
its so sad we are done celebrating 21st bdays everytime one of us turned 21 everyone else got laid
And literally 4loko margaritas are callin my name. They're like "Hey girl come on over here I'll make you forget about grades and boys and it'll be a good idea to send everyone 55 snapchats of your cleavage" ok
And on the first day of my adult job, I matched with one of my co workers on tinder...
MILK DIDN'T HELP. IT'S NOT HELPING
So, if you were also having sex around 11pm, then we were legitimately being penetrated at the exact same time. That is amazing. We are soul sisters.
sorry i got drunk at sunday brunch and force fed carrot sticks to your cat
How did I end up with the cock ring?!
I'm gonna ask his dad. Weed trumps broken heart any day.
RICK FUCKING MORANIS!!!!!
Randomize
