I knew you were gonna be a good wingman when the words "dibs on the chunky one" came out of your mouth.
How many pudding cups do I have to eat for it to count as dinner?
4.
you should just get pregnant. that way you don't need to decide on a career.
my mom just used "raw dog" in a sentence correctly, time to move out.
we bribed her with croutons and jello shots.
It's the eternal vodka... it never seems to go away
Taco Bell drive through. Chick got out of the car in front of us and threw up on the hood of my car!
Not okay.
They have a booking log online so i can just check that instead of call
Technology: making bailing your sister out easier since 2008
WHAT IS PROPER BONG ETIQUETTE FOR WHEN YOU'RE ALONE IN YOUR BATHTUB AND CRYING?
People don't tend to fuck with you when they think you have someone else's blood on your face
Why even have a ground level apt if you're not gonna let me climb out the window? I hate walk of shaming in front of toddlers...
I got his number because he was "impressed with how much I could handle"...I was chasing shots with Olive Garden breadsticks...
I snapchatted him 4 pictures of me as Tarzan's dad so if he never talks to me again at least we'll know why
Alcohol won't break your heart. I mean, unless it's all gone maybe
I must be really high or they really did just bring me a banana split instead of a burger
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