theres a dog humping me and im not going to stop it... i really need to get laid.
thats the last time i clean cum out of my retainer.
Either these are mashed potatoes in my pants, or I was drunker than I thought.
vagina is talking i cant
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It's like a party bus, but there's a glass, airtight wall separating the driver from the passengers, and once everyone's on, they pump vaporized THC into the cabin.
My bed smells like stale sex...I want it to smell like fresh sex, I miss you.
I just mistook cooking oil for the whiskey that was also on the counter... They're the same colour. That was not a good shot... I need to not drink alone.
This is not a costume party, I'm just wearing fairy wings.
Of course you are.
I've been vomiting all day.
All day? It's 10am.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
$150 and 3 orgasms. Dogsitting is awesome.
If I die on my walk home, please come claim the body. There is $30 in my left shoe for you....for pizza
Hi, I put a dog in your house, I hope it's yours.
You can’t homewreck what the Lord hath brought together.
How early is too early to start day drinking? Asking for a friend
About five minutes ago. You’re good now.
The viagra-rita was a sexual success and a furniture failure. He said it was the best cowgirl sex he’s ever had even with the broken couch
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