I bought a Christmas tree in my drunken state last night, after walking a half mile in search of vino and prior to my apparently playing boardgames with my boyfriend's family. There is no way you are on my level.
I just got sparklers from my secret santa. Drunken sledding just got to a whole new level of dangerous
this weekend will be like the season finale to my life
Another weekend, another 3 guys I have to awkwardly avoid while crossing campus...
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Carpe scrotum. Grab life by the balls.
I've discovered that regular handcuff keys, sadly, do not work on real police handcuffs.
Still losing my voice, so I am trying to get it back through drugs. Welcome to my Monday logic.
Man...I want to get monumentally fucked tonight.
Can't. Busy recovering from the worst pulled muscle of my life that I got either from excessively acrobatic boning or carrying a huge fucking ice luge down the street while wearing 4 inch heels
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Hows the party lookin?
At a live sex show right now. Not sure about the employee party
Just because I don't want to be her booty call doesn't mean I wanna stop getting tit pics. I'm a sucker for double D's
Dude you were sitting in front of me eating uncooked bow tie pasta...
Just go to your happy place. Mine is with Jake Gyllenhaal & schnapps
You could woo kevin with a boquet of breakfast burritos. He loves those burritos. You could use the hot sauce packets like babies breathe
I knew it was on when all she had to say about the handcuffs was 'I really hope these adjust tighter!'
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