he wanted to give me a nickname... my choices were superjugs,godzilla boobs or mouth of fury
Bleh. If he hadn't ascended into heaven and sat at the right hand of the father, Jesus would be rolling over in his grave right now.
They're watching TV in bed. The Golden Girls to be exact. Aaaand I just heard them singing along with the theme song. I love living with gays.
Since your rent is paid til the first, we decided to use your apartment as the beer pong room. We apologize in advance for losing your security deposit.
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You're fine
I'm hiding in my chest because my walls smell weird. I'm not fine.
You always have that cute deer in the headlights look. Thats what made showing you my penis for the first time so disconcerting.
Will you judge me if i do shots in my basement closet first? No? Okay good
remember how i yelled at you for inviting that coke dealer to the party?! i found the $100 bill they were snorting with in the couch.
..new slutty dresses or booze? i won't even waste time with the i told you so.
Just had a talk about safe sex with my mom. Not about protection. About the very real possibility of a "penile fracture". Gotta love having a nurse for a mother.
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The holidays are too long. I always run out of adderall before I run out of family. you got any left?
With a butt like mine I'll never have to pay for Netflix again.
I always make inappropriate sexual decisions during the holidays
All I want for my birthday to be fingered and eat pizza
Wait wait wait. You are actually taking advice from this lunatic?
This is the girl who got a balloon full of cocaine through security no questions asked. Of course I'm taking her advice.
Valid.
So, were you planning on telling me you left your panties in my glovebox??
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