So I just walked in on one of our neighbors having sex...on our couch.
WHAT?!
He apologized for staining our couch, then asked if he could make me a drink. Pretty sure he was still inside her while we were talking.
hahaha our party bus just died on the freeway and we're drinking in the center divider. i'm on the roof. i win
Day two of vacation and my first drink of the day is a plan b colada
"fuck a duck" is spelled out in chinese food on my counter... im kind of nervous to search the rest of my house......
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
My parents foreign exchange student just walked in on me whacking off. Welcome to America :)
I STRONGLY considered not bringing that guy home with me last night simply because I'd JUST changed my sheets that morning.
I hate about 85% of people that I meet. I'm an awful person. In reality my only redeeming qualities are my face, my amazing scissoring skills and the fact that children love me.
True on all accounts.
Annabeth just got on the bar and slurred something about how she was worried that when she started dating you your penis wouldnt fit. You are one lucky bastard my friend.
i think i traded my wallet for a tim hortons gift card.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Liquid roulette time! Black Mystery Cups are filled with either ipecac, whiskey, or NyQuil. Let's have fun
We were messing around at his place it was going fine until he said, "I'm going to cum, hand me the shot glass"
I tried to force my roommate into a sink last night. And I almost won.
We lost you in the mall, but to no surprise we found you waiting in line to sit on santas lap. You said you wanted to ask him for a pound of weed and a subway giftcard for xmas.
Did we kick in my basement door last night?
Yes. I think you actually bought tennis shoes specifically for that application.
I don’t know what language he speaks but I know my boobs will translate just fine
I’m looking forward to few days of international relations
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