She's 40ish and I couldn't wake her up with a stick of dynamite. My sheets are going to be covered in glitter lotion and smell like grape vodka and shattered dreams tomorrow.
Aren't divorce parties fun?
You and I have very different definitions of fun.
Not only did I see you last night, you had me help you meet women by convincing them you were deaf and only I understood your sign language
Well, what part of "I've heard she has crabs" didn't you take into consideration?
I don't care how ugly she is, I can't turn down a free movie +bj. In this economy that's downright irresponsible
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He taught me how to drive a stick by using his dick. He even made the whurrrr noise so I knew when to change gears.
Why is the garage door in the middle of the street?
you blew your rape whistle in his face every time he got near a girl till he left the party...
I slept with a married guy last night and then broke my toe on the doorframe on the way out. I've never seen karma work so fast.
she slipped a pinky in my ass. Not sure if I came because I liked it or if I was terrified by it.
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Things are burning & the world smells of peanut butter. It's beautiful.
hes duct taped to the wall and we're throwing eggs at him. i love thirsty thursday.
First of all you can never say anal too much. Second I now think you're a total gentleman.
Rarely has that paragraph ever been put together
Me: I shouldn't go to the airport bar it's too expensive and I don't need it. Dark me: SHOTS AT 7 AM
I just set my mike's hard down and didn't want it to spill, so I held my finger up and told it to shoosh. I'm drunk.
Is it just me or is it like a girl gets married and all of a sudden she’s a “blogger”?
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