Guys who wear capris make me want to kill endangered species.
I'm a fake celebrity on twitter. I need a life.
These people keep looking at me like I'm the first person to ever eat ribs in a Home Depot.
Ya I know. She's self aware though, like the terminator. Which is the best kind of crazy
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Honestly I'm so excited to go to bed I feel as if I don't deserve to be in my early twenties.
she pointed to my dick and said you are going to save the world
She made sure everyone knew we were doing shots for her dead grandma.
Cancun blessed me with a drinking problem
I wish you looked at me the way you looked at my brothers penis
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
we're spending all day in bed drinking spiked eggnog and fucking
He was feeling me up but acting like he was asleep. Like WTF does that mean??
If you're into enormous nipples, you should ask out my office's receptionist.
I knew I was in for a long night after I filled the empty pinata carcass with beer, bit off the top of one of it's legs and used it as a beer bong.
Decided to smoke a bowl in my closet while my parents are gone. Just sat in the closet because I couldn't remember how to get out. Started panicking cuz I thought they were gonna show up... Checked my phone. It's been 4 minutes.
All right well I’m making her sugar cookies and sleeping with her husband tonight. Just another manic Monday
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