when my dick couldnt get hard she said "fly on little wing"
When I'm drunk i like to pretend my penis is zeus and instead of peeing i'm throwing lightning bolts into the toilet...it helps me focus.
I had to stop messing around with him for fear of laughing in his face. I swear it was a pinky finger in his pants
he told me it was a naked video of him so i opened it. i just got rickrolled while sexting
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
You were rubbing your foot on one of your legs and kept saying, "My sock feels like a waterslide!"
At least it earned you a couple drinks. And something tells me you've touched grosser things with less incentive.
Honey, I don't care how "classic you" this is. It's not gonna matter if we can't find you in the morning.
I have invented a new sport: freshman-watching. I'm sitting on our porch literally dying watching the freshmen run around trying to find parties
I can't decide if the sex was so good I couldn't move, or if it was me being loaded on all the morphine that they shot me up with at the ER.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
You better fuck one or both of those bitches and bring me pictures that will make me uncomfortable
I can do at least one of those things.
Cops on bikes. I think I can outrun them.
I just blocked a guy on grindr for having a little dick. See? I do have standards.
If he would've shaved his beard when we first broke up, getting over him would've been so much simpler. That asshole.
Just had a flashback of scottish man yellin' at my face. What the fuck I did?
idk what happened last night but i just wokeup with nothing on but a necklace...what is this, the fucking titanic?
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