don't worry, i already broke the ice when i told the story about how i super glued a picture of big bird to my vag.
Not only did I hold your hair back as you puked, i french braided it. I am such a great friend.
he asked me to put his condom on because he couldn't see without his glasses
Note to self not a good idea to try and make out with a girl when she's crying over her boyfriend
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Dude, I'm importing a boy from Oklahoma for my divorce party. It's like doctors without borders, but with dicks.
I was in a house full of lesbians and they were all staring at me. I felt like the last cresent roll on Thanksgiving.
took adderall before wrapping presents, ended up making paper snowflakes for two hours
The only thing I accomplished today was naming the bag of wine I've been drinking
YOU LET ME GO HOME WITH CREEPY RON JEREMY?!?
...and?
I hate when you're right.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I basically gave Miranda rights to the guy I hooked up with, jus so we were all clear what was happening
Don't be the guy that has his dick out at work.
I just had sex on my kitchen counter. It's like the American dream
every day is bullshit and fuck everyone. That's my motto for the week
DONT TELL ME I CANT HAVE AN ENTIRE BOTTLE OF VODKA AT DINNER. IM AN ADULT. I PAY BILLS.
Okay everything with a penis is officially dead in my eyes
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