I can't believe you made out with me with a french fry in your mouth.
just got my girl scout cookies. wanna get high?
I'm texting you from across the beer pong table to tell you that the drunk chick you brought over needs to disappear. like now.
college stoner meal of the day: microwaved nutrigrain bars
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I'm trying to convey to the smoking hot Spanish cleaning lady at work that I want to bone her but I think it's getting lost in translation. How do you say "blowjob" in Spanish?
Seriously though, you almost tore my right nipple off.
I dunno if you guys are having weird sex or a most accurate bird sound contest but either way stop doin it
We had sex on roll out bean bag chair, and then proceeded to sleep with a blanket with dolphins on it. Happy birthday to me.
He started to lick a stick of butter and was calling it Jennifer.
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You have talents. You got me laid two weekends in a row in two different cities.
Drunk me has cost me a lot in cell phones...
Nothing showshows the government the middle finger more than spending your tax refund on drugs
What started out as a one night stand ended in him texting me the next day, saying he thought he was gay.
And on the 323rd day without sex, God finally said let there be light...or love?
He in a way got kinda cockblocked by Jesus
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