When you told me you were coming to my show, I didn't know you were bringing Satan and Brokeback Mountain with you.
She bet her virginity on the Celtics. Looks like Kobe wont be the only one breaking in a new ring.
You should get a handy in the street again, just to prove you've still got it.
Also, at 1:30 I emailed myself saying, "are you there Margaret? It's me, god"
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Still losing my voice, so I am trying to get it back through drugs. Welcome to my Monday logic.
Just had a talk about safe sex with my mom. Not about protection. About the very real possibility of a "penile fracture". Gotta love having a nurse for a mother.
She waited 7 months to break out her comicon costumes. I was only mad it took her so long. I fucked an elf last night and strawberry shortcake the night before!
how many times have i told you.. they dont like when you laugh during sex
You've fucked so many I should get a word bank when you make me guess these things.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Just puked in my hallway. Good start to a great night
There's a ton of international students in my suite and I'm just sitting in this chair with no pants on eating frosted flakes
Do you sleep with the same women I've already slept with on purpose?
"I played a game called "how drunk can you get in a minute" last night. How was your Thursday?"
I woke up the whole house screaming I need my shorts they found me in the kitchen with a bag of strawberries naked
we had to take 10 shots sometime before midnight, then 11 shots between midnight and 1. so yes its gonna be a rough day.
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