We fucked in your water heater closet. Told you we'd try everywhere.
Got a blowie from her in the cab on the way home. Made awkward eye contact with the cabbie who said, and I quote "Keep the mess in her mouth bro", I did so only out of respect
Just hook me up with your dad already stop being selfish
To be honest i'm almost glad he got arrested. His girlfriend and i kept making out so i'm pretty sure the alternative was a threesome. Now we're just the trashy girls who visit him in jail.
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Honestly I miss having a gay roommate. His female friends' implicit trust in him would carry over to me even though they knew Im straight. Best unintentional wingman ever.
therea a video of her dad walking in while i screamed "lets have a fashion show!" and fell off the table
I think I'm still drunk and I think you were in my dream (sadly, it was not a sexual bill murray one).
My mom just looked at me while watching the fireworks and asked if it reminded me of how I felt after sex. I'm so uncomfortable.
Sometimes I think I'm witty and funny, and then I realize it 3pm and I'm drunk
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You're lucky you got out when you did, about an hour later the girl in the Franzia box started wrestling everyone.
My homemade mace ate through its aluminum container. I make awesome mace.
I am just glad I was home to catch most of it, cause it smells BAD.
I'm not a scientist but that could be because it's homemade mace. That is however just a hypothesis
I'd like to thank you for ensuring I didn't die. Id also like to show you the most impressive bruise you will perhaps ever see
I mean it's a good blow job, but it's not worth the four hour round trip.
You should not have followed "the guy who peed in my bed" with "he smells good."
the amount of 23-year-old guys who have seen me naked is starting to get a little worrying
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