Why did I cab home last night?
Because you said you were drunk, sad, and someone called you a hooker.
His mom just asked me if I was "fooling around with her baby again" and then when I walked downstairs his dad YELLED "Look who's taking the walk of shame!"
You really need to stop fucking dudes who still live with their parents.
I cant believe that bitch gave me herpes. she said those bumps were just a part of the natural landscape
wait, did she really refer to her vagina as a landscape?
why are you more concerned about her word choice than the fact that I HAVE FUCKING HERPES
He told me he felt like he shoud say thank you and as a prize i could keep anything from his room that i wanted.
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I fell asleep while we were Skyping and woke up to his balls bouncing in front of the camera while he sang "Wakey Wakey!" over and over again. Merryfuckingchristmas.
She licked EVERYTHING then yelled at me in Spanish. I just kept saying SI.
1 tequila 2 tequila 3 tequila, floor.
*roof
When you see a guy in a wheelchair try to be cool and pop a wheelie, and then fall over backward and hit his head, is it funny or sad?
From one hot mess to another... Get it together.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
You were drunk it couldn't have been that bad
I've never been drunk enough to enjoy getting a blister on my dick.
Three months into our sexual relationship, he comes out with "Your body is efficient". WTF do I do with THAT?
She was a little thick, but we banged on the beach and fireworks went off as we finished so I think God wanted it
Is it ok to bone a former patient who is also a client? Since it is two negatives does that cancel and become a positive?
There are some people who should not be trusted with a cell phone while drunk. You know your one of them when you call the cops on your own party.
You can have my vag. Its useless without you.
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