Regardless, you never quit out of your interenet. You left your porn on the living room comp. Then you passed out four feet from the chair with your hand still down your pants. We decided that we should go back to her place instead. Worlds best wingman.
Things I've learned: after you move in with a girl it's much less satisfying to wipe your dick on her sheets after sex because now they're your sheets too
im pretty sure you tried to fart so bad you accidently pissed your pants at my party.
soooo we both peed the bed last night...
apparently they wrote a song entitled "butt slut" about her... im thinking shes not girlfriend material.
He still hasn't made a move, so I slept with his brother last weekend. Maybe sibling rivalry will motivate........
Dude. I kneed him in the face and gave him a black eye. It's like a constant reminder of our hookup. I feel like herpes. I never go away...
I'm hungover in the park, and some guy just handed me a business card for his church. I can feel Jesus' disapproval running through my fingertips
He stood me up.
I'm no sure if I should be pissed or proud that he finally grew a backbone.
He said he was a banker. Then he told me he made 15 an hour. I said he was a shitty banker then fucked his friend.
You called me into the kitchen so you could show me that you were peeing in the kitchen sink and then told me to leave bc you couldn't do it with me watching
Hung out near hay bales in sweaters then she gave me a pumpkin spice pop rocks bj. That was so freakin' seasonal.
He corrected my spelling during sexting.
Thanks for not letting me get involved with a serial killer. That's true friendship
Good morning beautiful! Wanna steal a cat this weekend?
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