Totally saw a hot amputee. I think this is called character growth.
When you told me you were coming to my show, I didn't know you were bringing Satan and Brokeback Mountain with you.
And God said, "Let there be Twilight," and it was so.
I should injure you considerably.
It must be a full moon weekend. All of my weird booty calls are coming out of the woodwork. I spent 40 minutes on the phone last night telling one why he is so creepy.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
We each get one free throw up cleaning, no questions asked.
if it were possible I'd exchange my vagina for a diff one on the black market.
Come put a leash on your gf. She just challenged 8 cops to a wrestling match for 'tag team champion of the world'
if i found out she had a dick after i got head, does that still make me gay?
An accidental pregnancy to a guy with a trustfund is no mistake. It is a gift from god.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I don't even know why im sitting in this office eating a poptart.
I'm sitting on your porch drinking wine from the bottle. Just so your new neighbors know what kind of people are in the neighborhood
Of course, you have to give the courtesy text like last night when I told you my dick was gonna smell like peppermint
Burritos, beer, and hot tub sex. Merry Christmas to me.
And on the way out from Applebee's he tried to take the basket of toothpicks claiming he was using them as a tax write off. Last time I babysit my dad on thirsty Thursday.
found a note from drunk me saying "don't worry i fed the mice". WHAT MICE?
Randomize