it doesn't get any better than taco bell and soft core porn
If it wasnt for my iphone and loopt, I would still be wandering the streets in a drunken stooper. Thanks Steve Jobs.
My cleaning lady just walked in the kitchen and i had a hardcore boner. I dont know what awkward is anymore
Just ran into that guy that tried to take a dump in your pool
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
rolled over to window for cup of snow instead of leaving bed for water. that's how hungover
says the girl that drank her shots like they were in a dog bowl
THERE WAS A HANDPRINT OF BLOOD ON HIS SHOULDER
Im drinking ciroc out of an ice cream cone... my night is going fantastic
You can't spell "party" without "RA."
You know what else you can't spell it without? "Gonna get fired."
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Wow has his pick up routine ever gotten bad. He is trying to use cheese as a way to flirt with the waitress
Oh man, he played the Harvarti cheese card and it didn't work. Now he is flailing
I was riding him and in the middle he literally said "fuck yeah, Amy Winehouse"
Ya it was crazy the power went just as she was about orgasm and the vibrator got fried with the power surge
Ok thats great. so just to recap: you fucked a billionare in his penthouse last night, and I had a glass of wine on the toilet.
But I don't see you as the jesus riding a dinosaur with a machine gun type of guy
Just so you know, I choose to answer your bootytext tonight because it was the most creative.
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