K I think ***** turned off her phone. Guess I can't make her feel any more miserable tonight so I'm goin to sleep
sooo i think when i get back from rothbury i should probably take a pregnancy test
but you would be showing by now. i'd just save the money and wait for a large crap in 6 months that starts crying. then you'll know.
Did you draw a mustache on my drivers license picture??
Wtf. Who made this Big Mac, Helen Keller?
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i might have gotten away with it if "don't tase me bro!" wasn't the first thing i said when i rolled down my window.
I wish they had a "No Yankees" filter on status updates.
What happened on tuesday that a stripper knows my full name?
I stumbled into my living room at 4 a.m. to find him hurling my laptop across the room and his pants around his ankles. Clearly his night didn't go as planned.
Had no idea what his name was when I woke up. Went through his desk, found his tax records. Ben. And loaded.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
It's a gateway drink.... Starts with wine... Then I wake up in my car with mascara on my arms covered in french fries...
I think shooting the BMW with the bow and arrow is when our group became the evening's antagonist
It's raining beautiful colors and I don't know what the fuck is going on
Thanks for takin my cousin out last night, sorry I passed out so early
You kidding, the kids a legend. He literally killed a bottle of Jamison, made out with a girl AND her Mom at the bar, stole us slices of pizza and told the cab driver where to go in Spanish. He doesn't even live in the area. Can we keep him?
I started carrying sissors in my purse to open plan B with. Both ashamed and proud.
Stop letting me drink while doing my makeup. I think I used sharpie for eyeliner.
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