So how was he last night?
Five-minute foot-long.
dude. i was so high. i watched shrek in russian.
If I see one more duchette wearing Ed Hardy, but not actually having a real tattoo. I swear Im gonna shank a bitch.
He choked me out. i woke up to poo. I dont think i like S&M
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Thats why you have fulfilling relationships with nice girls and i have kinky sex with crazies
I feel like I just need to fuck him after all his effort. like a "hey man good try" like those kids who get last place and still get a trophy.
Ok but if you die you have to get "I should've listened to Mike" carved into your tombstone
Well... this vagina won't eat itself
I just puked in my non fat yogurt... But it's non fat in hopes that someone wants to eat my vagina
She said, "awww, you're so sweet" after I started putting on a condom. How many STDs have I just contracted?
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Well that's the first time I've woken up with wet jorts
You don't know commitment until you try and waterproof a non-waterproof vibrator
My mom is wine drunk and on painkillers. As invigorating as that conversation was, it was also a dark glimpse into my future
My roommate definitely just walked in on me playing the piano naked.
By piano you mean.....
Like literally a piano.
Ohhhh that's kind of embarrassing.
Also my bed has glitter in it for reasons I do not recall
You almost got us killed.
YOU’RE WELCOME FOR NAVIGATING YOU TO A ONCE IN A LIFETIME EXPERIENCE.
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