No need to clean the puke on the driveway. The squirrel is eating it up.
My girlfriend and my fuck buddy both started their periods this weekend. The good news is, neither of them are pregnant. The bad news is, I'll have to find someone else to fuck til next weekend. No wait.....that's good news too.
He told me all about his plan for proposing to his girlfriend as pillow talk.
Had to have a serious talk with my liver and remind it that it is my birthday weekend and there are three more nights like last night ahead of us
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
So I totally just remembered that you tried to smoke a hornet out of it's nest.
Why was there a 1000 piece puzzle covered in hot sauce being cooked in the microwave?
The bartender has no bra and is giving out free shots. Call mom I'm getting married.
I'm wearing sunglasses around my house. Douchebag status. The hangover is real.
She's currently doing somersaults across the kitchen floor without underwear on. We may not make it to the bar.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I woke up this morning with my hand on his dick. That sneaky bastard.
I smell like a brewery and I have been drinking for 7 hours. This seems like a perfect time to tell my husband I want a divorce.
I drunkenly texted ur dad last night telling him he raised great kids hahahahaha
Every time we have sex, I feel his dick ramming my soul into submission. Problem is..... I LIKE THAT SHIT!
Asking for a friend: is it frowned upon to eat pizza while you materbate or does it just mean you are fantastic at multitasking?
You're a brave, albeit stupid soul for wanting in on the fuckery that comes attached to my vagina
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