I hid a 6pack in the microwave for later
I knew I liked you
I told him we can only be friends from now on & he said he knows but that I'm the 'best he ever had'.
you slept with him again didn't you
you can't just quote Drake AND compliment me at the same time & receive nothin. he knows me too well
Okay, guy from work I want to fuck just told me he liked the font on my PowerPoint presentation. It is so on.
Make me proud, climb that corporate ladder.
she's laying in my bed with an ice pack on her vagina. how do you think it went?
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No big deal, we were just two friends having sex. It's perfectly normal we don't remember. Water under the sex bridge,
Our whole friendship has just been time foreshadowing my dick in your mouth.
I miss the good ol' days when we would yell at strangers from your balcony while wearing our mexican ponchos in the middle of the day.
what ever happened to our old dealer?
There was booze on his face and I wanted it. I'm not sorry.
You don't understand. If you watched a video of the shenanigans that occurred in my life over the past 48 hours you would gasp worse than the girl who witnessed me puking in my bag at the children's hospital
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YET AGAIN, my financial planning for 2013 consists MOSTLY of eating chipotle as "brain food" and drinking Heavily before the Jeopardy contestant test.
I did a kegel this morning to determine if I had been penetrated during last night's blackout. Nope.
I just spent the better half of my Friday night alone, naked eating McDonalds. Not my worst start of a new year
At one point she whispered in my ear "I overdrew my bank account today" but besides that it was an awesome lap dance
It's official. Post baseball sex is better than post hockey sex. I hope the Blue Jays win the world series.
When the bouncer doesn't let you in... Don't ask him where he works so you could file a complaint with the better business bureau... It only proves him right.
It's 5 PM...and you're 35. Congrats on being an amazing human being.
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