OH RELAX, IT WAS PITY SEX.....
I'm sorry..where i come from learning how to exploit a wealthy middle aged man is a right of passage
Highlight of the night: paying my cell phone bill at the bar... I need to get laid.
We get an extra hour of sleep. That means we can take an extra shot tonight. Sound logic. Thank you daylight savings.
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If you already knew specifically that I was smoking a bowl in my remodeled bathroom AND THEN still wanted to initiate sexting, please proceed to the altar and marry me this instant.
I think I'm the only sober person in the whole bar. If you count drinking less than 10 tequilas sober.
I had a dream about a vibrator with 42 different settings. If that's not a good indication I need to get laid, I don't know what is
That would be an interesting position... Not entirely certain how that'd work!
Gravity is no match for my libido
i gave up on the vacation being fun the night i ate all the marshamallows out of the lucky charms while everyone else was having sex in the condo
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So when this rash is gone wanna hang out?
There is not enough whiskey in the world to get me through what happened on Pretty Little Liars tonight.
First world problems.
Went as "Party on, Wayne." And left as, "Partied out Wayne in a foot boot with new medical bills." Fuck Halloween...and vodka.
I haven't lost it. I know I'm not a prophet. It was a joke.
After the edible you claimed you were talking to my cat. We're in our 30s now, what was once cute is now a liability.
Learned two new lessons today: 1) Do not identify pills found in one's car by taking them to see what happens, especially while at work, and 2) There is no logical reason to keep ambien in one's vehicle...
I think the night went to shit after he started sweating and crying about a taco he dropped on the ground 3 years ago. No more blind dates
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