Kris Allen: Jason Mraz mixed with John Mayer and a splash of orgasmmm
My Higher Power is John Stamos
The hot Japanese girl in my class just said her "favorite sexy American actor is Nick Cage." That, I can work with.
You were directing traffic around her for 30min after she passed out in the middle of the road.
You really are best friends.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I just asked the bartender if I could get insurance on my drink in case I spilled it.
We interrupt your regularly scheduled Saturday morning programming with this important announcement: you are not the father. I repeat not the father. Congratulations and have a nice day.
I don’t know what's weirder; the fact that I weigh more with an erection..or the fact that I actually weighed myself with an erection...
Im hitting on this chick at a stoplight when all the sudden. i notice this chick blowing some dude in the backseat.
You were passed out by the toliet and when i said i had to pee you told me to piss in the sink. Never has a girl with alcohol poisoning been so rude.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Said he wanted to wear me as a loincloth. Not sure if sexual or predatory
It figures that the only time one of my videos on Snapchat gets replayed is a video of my Hedonism Bot impression and NOT my nudes
I tried to text you about going to the Lion's Den but sent it to my boss. She was down for it. Please advise.
i think i passed out for a few seconds while we were having sex but he didnt notice...
Do not let Mike show you his naughty Santa Claus outfit. It's a super long beard and crotchless pants.
What is the best medium with which to say, "Happy Birthday, I'm having your abortion"... Cake? Card?
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