Just brushed my teeth...forgot we used this toothbrush in bed last night.
It's 8:30am and I'm drinking.... this is a new low
I just saw a dog and thought "Hey! A goat!" Then realized it was a dog. Now I'm sad.
Hey guys. This is Daniel texting on mayas phone. if she called you and told you that i made her have sex with me in my doghouse with my dog present that wasn't true.... so dont spread that.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I am a mess. Weirdest thing: I woke up with a hammer under my pillow. No idea why.
this is hardly the first time i've been told i'm dressed "too suggestively" for 7 in the morning.
He just kept yelling "body massage machine go" at random intervals throughout the night
It's amazing how many friends she makes simply by carrying that flask of whiskey everywhere she goes.
So apparently I threw a potted plant at a clown last night and told him to get his life together.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
2nd year in a row being a arrested before school starts...tradition at its finest
I smell like icyhot and vodka... Heres to my pulled tendon.
I just heard myself say the sentence "I'm gonna go to the bank then take a nap". 8 year old me just slapped my present self through the space-time continuum for being an old fuck.
did i just pee glitter
he asked me why I let you steal the gnome, and you jumped out of the bathroom, yelled "you know why!" and ran outside with said gnome
I WANNA... wait, will you kinkshame me?
Nah.
I WANNA KNOW WHAT HE SMELLS LIKE
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