I knew you were gonna be a good wingman when the words "dibs on the chunky one" came out of your mouth.
Tonight, I'm planning on being a bigger trainwreck than Britney Spears circa 2007.
Never eat 3 McGriddles and drink a carton of milk. It's like you're successfully killing self but you're alive.
I told him I would sleep with him if he could name all the colors of the wind.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Your fb status are always so intriguing.. Often make me picture you naked
Even Lady Gaga hates Purdue
You know, I had the money for a pregnancy test, but at the time, tacos were more important.
You act like pregaming preseason hockey is a crime. Come on man, get fucked up and watch pucks. It rhymes so well it has to go together. DOS EQUIS Y DEVILS!
I'm using the bullet from my cock ring to massage out my tmj lock jaw from giving too much head.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I just laughed at the word pudding. I have no idea whats going on right now.
Who had my phone last night? Whoever it was sent "Fuck you, you're adopted" to half the people on my contact list.
My dad just saw me take dirty one night stand underwear out of my purse. I'm willing to admit I have a problem
The fake number she gave me was for Pappa John's. Now I have a large pepperoni on the way.
You just accidentally called me. You kept saying "Really?! Really?!!" So I can only assume you are having sub par sex
I'm pretty sure I smell like alcoholism and shame. And it's not a pretty scent.
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