If my body was a temple, I pissed all over the front stairs last night..
All i remember was he was wearing billibong pants... well actually my mom found that out for me.
Just made nachos out of string cheese and sunchips and laying in my bed watching babay einstion..get on my level
My male hookup buddy is gonna meet my female hookup buddy, let the awkward hookup games begin!
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I had a sex dream. With two guys. And my subconscious decided to put your dick on BOTH OF THEM. If there is a society where that does not mean "I cherish you" I do not want to live there.
Impromptu road trip to New Orleans for four days of Mardi Gras. I'll probably be alive and back for Valentine's Day plans, probably won't stick my dick in some random either-might be using my free pass you cheating asshat. Love you. Expect random texts & probably a drunk dial or twelve. You did this to yourself. You're not invited so don't bother. Have fun at work.
Either that or he's gagged in a strangers trunk right now.
Well I suppose either way he's learning a pretty tough lesson right now.
how is it that I keep meeting up with you when Im drunk?
you stand on my porch screaming my name until I come out with you...
I just wanna get hammered somewhere crazy. Meet some chicks. Bang them and then go scuba diving.
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Wait.....I ate a raw potato lastnight.
Stay calm. It's a titty bar. A ring of cocaine will protect you.
I'm going to invent an ap that tests your stress levels before texting and will say something like "nope, go rub one out and try again in 10 min"
I JUST BROKE A NAIL MASTURBATING. WTF I could even enjoy my orgasm bc now I'm gonna have to spend $50 on my nails.
Bring shot glasses to the final. Don't ask questions.
Oh yeah, nothing says welcome home like walking in on your parents having sex on your bed while the dog is watching, they told me to wait until they were done...
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