Just seen on a tshirt : "fake titties taste funny"
so you masturbated because Oprah told you?
I guess i tried to text 911 last night with "someone stole my bong." Thank god that doesn't work...
chipotle is closed for thanksgiving... I am officially thankful for NOTHING.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
My mom just bought me $200 worth of booze on the condition that I promise I won't have to go to rehab eventually
so my daughter wakes me up this morning and i feel like a vibration so im thinking she has my phone..nope my vibrator
Welcome to texting with Mike. You're now leaving the sober section and headed to our insanely high bad decision making portion of mike. Enjoy the trip.
Dude, had to, it's Canada Day, I fucked her for Canada. Seriously, I put my Canadian flag on my bed and fucked her on it.
She's like the Michael Jordan of alcoholism
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
That's the best thing about having gay dads, you don't gotta do shit on mothers da and everybody is down wit getting wasted on mimosas at brunch
I got really high and googled the history of Amish people for like an hour.
I'm so high. I'm going to need directions to get home.
I'm not into beards but apparently my vagina is.
He's bringing a lesbian pretending to be his girlfriend to family Christmas. I can not wait to see how this goes.
I don't actually like you. I just want to hook up with you.
I'm fine with that
Randomize