So called my VP's house on Sunday drunk and told him that if he didn't hire me for the new position I would skull fuck his wife. They asked me to go home today. Thanks again Vodka
im at planned parenthood. the form wants to know what our usual form of contraception is?
anal.
your tears are not going to buy me drinks...
No. Please No. At first it was cool when you started bring an extra girl home for me but after 2 cycles of clap medicine I'm putting an end to it.
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He then proceeded to tell me about his enlarged lymph nodes, his"severe" case of blue balls.
Couldn't get it up. She asked me what she was doing wrong. Didn't have the heart to tell her. I appreciated her willingness to adapt, but she's pretty much gonna look that bad her whole life.
MOMMMMMMMMMMAYYY! YOU BIRFED ME TODAYY. IM CELEBRTIN ON YUR BEHAF! THANK YOU!!!!!
I always hoped you would never inherit this side of my personality. Hon, trust me, you're a mess. Go to bed...alone. xoxoxo
How much is that going to cost?
A lot of beer.
Anywho, an ostrich attacked me today. Fucking useless pieces of shit birds.
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I don't know but this 12 year old kid is soaking up all of our bad morals like a super tampon on the second day of my period
I got inside last night via doggy door
He slapped my ass... He best ask me out. Or figure out how to unslap my ass.
In order to save time, dignity and liver damage, wanna get naked?
Sexting and pancakes... It's going to be hard to top that
He was so wasted he lit his sink on fire with shit he found in his room....it was smokeless. Chemistry majors drunk = the coolest shit ever.
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