Did u get laid? I went and bought lube and fleshlighted it while moaning ur name the whole time.
just threw up while drinking by myself. This is all your fault. You here = a good night, You not here = alcoholism
You had a beer at 10:30 this morning?
Ya, I didn't have any Tylenol.
fighting downstairs. join me tonight to hear their makeup sex. also, let's make skittles vodka.
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I'm sitting in class drinking a forty out of a paper bag. No ones said anything yet. I think my professor is trying to ignore me. Better start yelling louder.
dont worry, it'll just be a conversation starter like "why did you get that pierced?" or "wow, i got arrested there too"
That fucking fat Asian kid that NOBODY invited is stuck in the dryer again
My night sucks. It's really hard to masturbate with a broken finger.
I was just about to send a concerned text until I opened my door and saw a shopping cart. I'm glad you made it home in one piece and with toys.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
When you get up and look at yourself in the mirror, don't be alarmed. The doctor assured us last night that it looked way worse than it actually was and there won't be a scar when the stitches come out
maybe her throwing up on me was a foreshadowing of how she would later metaphorically throw up on my life
I woke up hugging my purse and I found a business card in my underwear. How?
I think we ended 5-7 relationships as well this weekend...so another good stat
My six-margarita-deep ass just used a blow torch to light the match that lit my bong pack. Peak single 🤦🏼♀️
He’s only in town today and our afternoon sex sesh kept getting interrupted by the neighbor’s kid yelling and screaming in the pool
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