I just left the house and 2 chicks are in the kitchen making breakfast. Might want to get up.
I'm up, no shirt, and staring at a breakfast casserole. Who are these girls?
There is now a Twilight themed dildo. What do YOU want for christmas??
I just asked my hair stylist how many percocets she'd do my hair for.
Just bought a beer belt to complete the Captain America outfit. I will do my part as a hero of America to pass out beer to the good citizens of America.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
bro, sorry for: trying to put you on fire yesterday, telling the bouncer that it was you that broke the bottles, and to have slept with your sister.
You were laying in bed whispering and crying to the half eaten burrito saying "why am I shitting so much" and "what did I do to deserve this"
i think maybe i'll just not watch it. i'd rather not think of you as a magical transforming set of dick holes.
so apparently going to a christian rock concert dressed as Jesus is horribly inappropriate.
Putting all my energy Into finding a polite way to ask my mailman to fuck me in his car.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
i passed out twice in the shower, twice on the bathroom floor, once holding the toilet bowl and 8 times moving from the bathroom to my bed. Tequila sucks.
One eye has cum in it and the other has sunscreen
summertime
It took 5 bourbons for him to handcuff and spank me and then he cried after sex. The men that like me are so unstable.
Pride log, day two. Noticing more bruises and scrapes. Liver functions probably very lowered.
The last time I saw you you got angry and yelled "WHISKEY DOESNT COUNT" ... I think that's at least a 7 on the hotmess scale.
Holy shit he’s stupid hot! If you don’t hurry up and make a move my ovaries are going to march over there and introduce themselves
Randomize