I woke up this morning with gum gluing my ass cheeks together..
I can't decide if I actually want to know or not..
At the ER. Dropped bottle lead to cut foot which led to me drunk hitting on doctors. Not going well.
The guy you fucked with the lazy eye is here, im avoiding contact by texting you. But i just looked up and he recognizes me, theres no way he doesnt. I'd remember the girl who called me quasimodo all night too. Sober me feels so bad.
Way too stoned bro. Was laying down on my back and thought for a good 30 mins what it would be like to be a turtle stuck on its shell
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It tastes like you we're too lazy to shower and instead just sprayed yourself with Febreeze.
You have a very discerning palate.
I find it fascinating that she'd be more comfortable with her mom finding out she submits dirty disney confessions on tumblr than about her secret email account she uses to chat with dutch and brazilian strangers.
im glad im back to a point in my life where i have enough sex to sometimes be offered and be like naw im good.
Pretty sure by 1p, she had fucked all of my bodily fluids out of me. I'm now trying to replace them with bourbon so 2016 is turning out pretty good.
You just had sex during the movie Radio. This is an all time low
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You sluts I'm so proud of you. You're both wearing underwear.
You'd think it'd be fun living next door to a guy whose neck you once licked. Surprise, it's not.
You "drove" the computer chair around the party for a good fifteen minutes. you would crash into things, freak out, and yell for an ambulance.
Ladies night is a gift from god. If it weren't for that, I'd probably be selling my eggs for booze money.
There's a little game I've come up with since the mess of a party I had; it's called "tinsel or condom wrapper? (or: what's that on the floor?)"
So, I'm roughly 90% sure that the guy next to me in the xray waiting room is watching porn on his phone right now
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