Is it necrophilia if we're both dead?
Idk. We dropped acid and Kevin ran away again. We didn't find him for like 3 hours.
Man I wish I had been there
Yah we found him in the pool shed of some elderly couple. They were on the porch watching all of the shenanigans. ...To be young again.
Wtf am i supposed to tell my kids when they ask about my first time? "Mommy got drunk off her ass and fucked a total stranger in another stranger's bedroom, then got abandoned by the selfish prick and walk of shamed to the nearest gas station to call a cab, but ended up passed out in a park in a pool of her own puke."
At least mommy was smart enough to use protection and hack into the asshole's facebook account.
Well of course. Mommy may be a slutty drunk but she ain't no idiot.
i keep seeing random pieces of my outfit all around town.
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Im also drinking whiskey while on a treadmill wearing high heels so let's consider that for a moment.
I dont know. Theres no way you can be ready for the sex hurricane that will consume you.
Just woke up next to a girl with 30 hot dogs in my bed. Vodka you win again.
Can someone please explain where the fish in the mason jar came from when we were at a bar all night?
You told the bartender if he gave you one of the fish you'd go away
Hey nothing wrong with those! I can't believe the guys who let me see where they live on first dates. Even more surprising, I don't stalk them after they've done me wrong.
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I want to fuck the side burns off of Steve.
are you still up? I want to use you for sexual things. you have 35 minutes to respond to this offer.
So my ex just asked for my address to send me his wedding invitation... in Europe. Awesome.
That’s basically a green light to fuck his dad
he's the kind of guy you give a fake number to and he still finds out your real number anyway...
My mum just told me to stop being so pathetic and just find someone to have sex with, even if I don't like them, just be grateful for the sex. Wow.
I just took a shot before my midterm. Gotta keep things in perspective.
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