so i slept on a park bench last night...no hobo
he was fingering me to the beat of a lady gaga song. new high? new low? i don know, but i came, so whatever.
Whats the name of the guy with his hand down my pants?
She bit me. She gave me a brief pity cuddle. I gave her an awkward backrub, somehow I thought it would be a good idea to include the vagina in that. It wasn't.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Bring single women, or taken women who are unhappy with their relationships, or women who are happy with their relationships but have low moral standards, or women who just like to remove clothing when drunk (relationship status is unimportant for this option)
fact: I now appreciate my drunken winter self even more. I just found $20 in my winter coat with a note that says keep yourself warm next winter. I am awesome.
It's been a year of occasional hook ups....this was bound to happen sometime even with your jank ovary schedule.
Nothing brings people closer than bonding over tequila shots and running from campus security.
i don't remember going ever taking off my pants but my pubes are shaved into a K and kelsey is passed out in the shower.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
The lady at the Humaine Society gave me her nephew's number because I seem like a loving and caring person.
Does she know that each time you've adopted a new cat in the past year it's because some guy stopped fucking you and you don't want to eat your feelings?
And then you refused to pee in anything but a sink
Welp, I've officially cried in every Chipotle bathroom in the city. Correlation or causation?
I was driving around a golf cart with a keg in the back before I got caught by the cops. First slow speed chase ever
I have a knack for carnage and poetic language.
I know it's just really hard to give up sex and cigs during a blizzard
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