Right now, my father is sitting on the couch, totally smashed, crying, eating pringles, and watching the credits of Transformers 2. Love him.
I don't know who he was, where he came from, or where he went, but he just handed me a bowl of mac and cheese and left. It was good too.
I would also like to inform you that I can no longer lay on my back because my tailbone is bruised from the nightstand. Good job.
Aaaaand then she sang MDMA to the tune of the YMCA song, with appropriate gestures.
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Please ignore everything I told you about my girlfriends vagina last night.
Guess who just sucked off 1/5 of one direction?
I need to quit being a slut. It's to the point that I got my period today and automatically I Believe I Can Fly popped into my head.
Have you ever had chicken nuggets while high? Because it tastes like hearing the Beatles for the first time
Best day ever, my junk is bigger than Kate Uptons boyfriends. Yay for Fappening day!
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He knows whenever I get drunk I'm going to call him and make fun of his major. Its like a reverse booty call.
i was so unappreciative the bar was giving out sweatbands UNTIL I casually used it during sex.
While he was going down town Julie brown, I was eating French fries. True Love
I'm SO high. And there is so much pudding in this car
These guys are just fucking with my heart instead of fucking me. They're fucking up.
Somehow I don't think offering me edibles is what dad meant by checking in on me
They're the hard candy kind!
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