the party we crashed was not a party. the party we crashed was jens grandads funeral.
I wish life was like the Sims. Right when you're pregnant the music would play and I would just know instead of agonizing for the next two weeks.
i've never been more proud of someone than i was when he told me he got his first blowjob at age 13...from two chicks
So, remember how that one doctor said it was 1 in a million that I'd get pregnant...
Yeeah thank god
Well..welcome to parenting Mr. one in a million.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
you read me verses from the beginners bible until my answering machine finally ran out of time and cut you off.
As she was leaving she said "You have an awesome penis, I hope to use it again soon" I need that on a business card to hand out at the bar
Im rolling a blunt of encouragement for you to return to
Skip school. Seven hour blow job Plus Disney movies. Day of champions
He came over drunk in a speedo i told him he has my vote he said who are you voting for when i said obama he took off running and shouting i was worthless like an empty beer can
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
We were so hungover we fell asleep in Goodyear waiting for them to fix her car. At 4 in the afternoon on a Sunday. The workers apparently didnt want to vacuum because they didn't want to wake us.
I just spent an hour in the shower pretending I was a member of the b-52's. I can't go to work like this
You had to dry your pants with the hand dryer in the bathroom because you "forgot to take it out."
Listen, I bought the coke that got us those free drinks, okay? Show some respect.
You have a penis. Therefore everything you say is automatically wrong.
I don't know what to say to you.
I don't know what I said to you. Start with that.
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