Having a pigeon watch you poop is just creepy. Drunk or not.
It was awkward being the only one at the wedding who knows that the bride and groom met when she gave him a lap dance at a strip club
Telling me that I would make a great "occasional fuck" was not appreciated.
I have jerked off in every room in your house. *the more you know
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Hey, this is a mass text. I have a hospital bill from November, and I don't know from what. Did anyone bring me to the hospital on a drunken night that I don't remember...?
VAGINAS ASSEMBLE!
I'm not seeing this movie with you.
It mathmatically balances. Less pants + more shirt = fully clothed. see? Not a whore!
You were dancing with a coffee pot of rum in one hand and a joint in the other. So that should explain everything.
I was going to say I needed the exercise but now all I can think about is BJs
My work here is done
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
My tweets this weekend consisted of me telling every bar I went to that they were my favorite valentine. I've never felt like more of an alcoholic
All I want to do on Facebook today is comment on people I knew in high schools profile pictures and tell them how much uglier they are now.
You came home screaming the lyrics to Drunk in love, and dumped wine on me when I said you would never be Beyoncé
I'm allotting you four buildings to piss on tonight. Choose wisely.
Many a woman has been in tears over the passing of my penis' whorish ways.
I’m honestly just flattered that you think I could make PornHub’s Top 10.
Randomize