I think my goal in life now is to be a Trending topic on Twitter after I die.
omfg. get on facebook. the science olympiad team had a rave.
Careful when you walk in I'm laying by the door.
we found his I.D. in the upstairs bathroom...under a towel in a hidden pile of snacks from her kitchen
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Also I think he would slowly, painfully, die. You really can't live without a penis. You'd explode.
Someone just told me I could double date with them and their dog as my date. This is why the suicide rates are so high at the holidays.
I'm not trying to alarm you guys, but I think I just swallowed a ketchup packet.
I've never been to a "going away to jail" cookout. do we bring a present?
I'm at a bar. It's body paint Wednesday. All of the waitresses are topless. Help me
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I don't think you should be sorry for such memorable sex that I yell your name when you aren't around.
Oh and I'm kind of in the library.
Waiting for the foreign guy who keeps staring to make his creepy move.
If a cougar buys you pizza and wants to show you her newly-won house, you have sex with her. It's the law. Just being all the man I can be dude
Is it just me or is Michael Jackson blasting throughout the house
It's like I'm tryna ride my horse through dennis quaid’s vineyard
That's a sexy sentence
he was wearing pj pants, thank you for not letting me go home with him
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