oh God, I have a dick of a middle schooler
Have you come up with a team name for the beer pong tournament on Saturday?
We can be the stepdads. If anyone asks why say because we beat you and you hate us.
Okay, guy from work I want to fuck just told me he liked the font on my PowerPoint presentation. It is so on.
Make me proud, climb that corporate ladder.
Just woke up. Need to shower and fuck. Be there when I'm done disappointing. Should be 30.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Well someone named our apartment "the eiffel tower" on facebook check-in so I think they know..
Tonight's trip to the ER was brought to you by, "fork jousting."
Dammit labor day drinking cancelled due to 3 inch long table saw cut to palm
Remember don't think of it as being an alcoholic until something bad happens.
Think of it as Mythbusters for people who say you're going to get arrested or die
The guy at the door just stared only at my boobs and said "I'm gonna let you in." 'Merica
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
And my coffee table looks like something out of Scarface
he went to the bathroom at 5am only to come back and squeeze my boob before going back to sleep
I'm a hopeless romantic with the sex drive of a married politician. IM DOOMED.
I haven't had sex since the Vanilla Ice concert
Please don't have sex ever again just so you can say that forever.
See and now you're talking. I am like the fairy godmother of hook ups.
Someone sitting next to me at this football game is totally eating chicken nuggets out of his pocket and drinking four loko. I wanna be him.
Randomize