I'd rather drink alone in my closet than hang out with that girl
At dinner I grabbed his hand and he screamed "mom she just grabbed my penis" the proceeded to shove my hand down his pants! Hello Mr.Dick!
Hey, I can't get ahold of Tommy. Let him know his ex-girlfriend is pregnant.
We told our cab driver we'd give him 3 grand if he pit maneuvered you guys in your cab.
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You know when you can feel the alcohol in your toes? That's a great feeling.
He wanted me to blow him while he did curls and looked at himself in the mirror. Not sure if gay or ego maniac.
New reason to drink: alcohol makes soda taste like goddamn gold.
I'm mopping my WALLS now. And talking to my mop. I literally just told it "yeah I kno that dirt doesn't wanna come off but were gonna get aren't we?" This is some good snow!!! mini maid needs to give it to their maids. The world would be spotless!!!!
well a fat roach just fell out of my hair. so there's that
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That edible kicked in right as I was upside-down on that rollercoaster. Fucking.mind.blown.
Now: to brush my teeth, put on my grandma slippers and earplugs, masturbate to 50 Shades and then PTFO
Life if anyone rolls up to my funeral with shitty weed get them out of there
sitting in a shitty karaoke bar playing pokemon go and drinking a mimosa. how is your sunday night
Whose house did we sneak into and play beer pong for 4 hours at last night?
I honestly have no idea
Then you screamed in her face to shut up about thick thighs saving lives because actually they can suffocate people during oral sex
Drunk me is very safety conscious And apparently just as annoyed by her as sober me
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