Pretty people don't get stds, I knew it
Okay, I have a threesome with foreigners and suddenly I'm a man-whore
Well if yoir are still awake and secided to drink... You may aswell drink
That text needs to switch to water.
you were running down the aisles of wal mart singing 'follow the yellowbrick road'. i'm pretty sure you thought the night shift workers were the munchkins & started crying when they wouldnt help u find the wizard. needless to say u were pretty stoned/wasted
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Measuring your booze intake in glasses is like measuring Rosie O'Donnell's weight in ounces.
well let's see. after you forcefully shoved a half-eaten apple in my mouth, you ruined the pepsi by dumping an entire beer in there.
It's only 11:30 and she's already making friends with the homeless...
My liver just had a heart attack.
Um, you were throwing up the shocker symbol in front of all of the wedding guests during the best man's speech. No wonder the groom thinks we're bad
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Like 50% of me thinks it'll be weird, 25% of me is curious & 25% of me is horny
A unicorn in pinstripe pants just got on the J at Dolores stop. It can only be a good night
I'm definitely closer to having sex in every building on campus than I am to having a post-graduation career/plan/future. Unless that future is getting fucked in lots of buildings. I got that shit on lock down.
He can't say no, it's my spiritual goddamn quest.
Just had to read the instructions to my microwave. How am I so high?
Can we just take a minute to acknowledge that you're drinking with your gay ex boyfriend's DAD who is a DEACON??
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