My phone auto-corrects smirnoff to poisoned. I think it is trying to tell me something.
We were busted for public indecency in the back of my car in the parking lot. This time we were just reading my Cosmo magazine.
i was super drunk. to the point where i was putting shredded cheese on a fork, putting hot sauce on it then dipping it in salsa. it was awesome.
they esentially rejected my mermaid threesome offer:(
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I'm sober enough to question why I have your name as "the wolverine" in my phone.
So. Much. Sex. I feel like i ran a marathon then someone kicked me in the vagina. Soo worth it
I would literally rather jam a rusty rail road spike into my cock than be here right now. The whore showed up and now I might smash my iPhone into my face repeatedly until I'm no longer consisting of any sort of life.
Is it love? I honestly haven't even thought about watching porn for over a week now, and haven't thought about fucking any strangers either. It's quite eerie.
I just took two shots of Burnerts out of a ladle. Get here now.
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Dude are you being arrested? I swear I just saw you laying on the hood of your car with a cop patting you down...
Its alot like that time you got motorboated by the carni at the rodeo.
well at least you didn't have your nipples chewed last night
Said he wanted to wear me as a loincloth. Not sure if sexual or predatory
Just once, I'd like to make it to my first wedding anniversary for a change.
I am so horny that I an legitimately concerned for your safety when I see you tonight.
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