No, seriously, 1.5 gallons of sangria plus two days of untapped cock. Waiting here. For you.
according to the contents of this bucket, last night i swallowed a whole teabag
It hit me after I slept with his best friends and brother, that maybe I took it a bit far
YOU GOT KICKED OUT OF FIVE GUYS LAST NIGHT FOR THROWING PEANUTS AT THE PEOPLE WHO WORK THERE?!
correction: escorted out
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I have never heard someone not give a fuck so poetically in my life. I feel like you should be leading men into battle with a speech like that
I hooked up with a 20 year old last night. I feel like a hocus pocus witch that sucked life from a child.
Yay for living on the edge. I'm trying this new thing where I stop mom-arming people and promote bad decisions. It's working quite well.
am i gonna have visuals on this?
you are gonna see the trees puking up fireworks and ninja pheonixes will shit rainbows and fire
Ever had someone sing happy birthday to you during sex?
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I just want somebody who'll randomly bring me pizza and lovingly squeeze my butt. Is there a dating app for that, do you think?
Speaking of lightening speed, he ate me out while I was watching The Flash. If that's not winning at life idk what is
she said she doesn't remember seeing me at all last night. ...I was with her for six hours, there's no way she could have been blackout the whole time
Last night I tried to apply for a job at ihop. That drunk.
I am listening to Jack Johnson and wearing the sweater your Mother made me fuck mother nature I am in my happy place right now
Now I know Sunday Funday means fucking till you loose your voice.
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