he made me stop in the middle of the blowjob to turn the tv towrds him. i then proceeded when he stopped me again to get him the remote. fuck me.
I wish life was like dora the explorer where dancing pigs appear out of nowhere to solve your problems for you
Did you ever notice the eye of Sauron looks like Lindsay Lohan's vagina?
like if they didnt have tits and vagina, they have no idea how uninteresting to us they would be
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you were carrying a trash bag around insisting it was your purse. I'll let you guess how your night went
I just drank Colt45 out of a champagne glass. I feel classy.
Colt 45 out of anything is classy.
He says he's "masters drunk." And if that's anything like "kentucky derby drunk" I know enough to not go over there.
he told me my vagina was like a beautiful piece of salami
Remind me to switch to jello when you decide to do shots off my ass. It's so much easier to clean than this pudding.
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okay the fridge is completely filled only with alcohol. Not even exaggerating. There is no food.
Sometimes I wonder if we're going to make it to 40.
I'm high. Everything has a 45° angle. That is as far as my eyes open
I CAN'T FUCK HIM OUTSIDE. THAT'S FOR PEASANTS. HE'S TOO FAMOUS FOR THAT.
If there is a heaven, that's what it will be. Bagel Bites and cunnilingus.
He gave his liver a pep talk before the vodka chugging started
You started singing Baby Shark, screamed you have no idea how it goes, then somehow turned the beat into Bohemian Rhapsody
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